Fortissimo

Reblogged 3 hours ago from evanthompsonphotography

I think the reason it makes me mad,

is that you love her so much more than you ever loved me.

It’s so frustrating how little you tried to be involved in my life. You never wanted to speak to my family. You never wanted to come support me. You barely even wanted to see me.

It’s so frustrating that you love her so, so much. I am over you, because hell, you were an asshole. But it just goes to show that I don’t deserve love. Not just romantically, but at all.

I will never be enough for anyone to truly love me, and that really stings.

I deserved for you to love me properly. I did everything right, I was a perfect girlfriend. We weren’t right for eachother, but you led me on for almost two years.

I will never be good enough for anyone and I hate that.

I hate it so much.

Even when someone “loves” me they don’t really love me.

It stings.

I just want someone to love me, is that so much? I want someone to want to be involved in my life. I want people to support me in the things that I try to do and achieve. I want people to invite me to go out to the mall, or to their house, or to a movie, or to dinner or what have you. I’m tired of finding out that my “friends” all went somewhere and didn’t bother to invite me. I hate that. I hate it so much.

Awh shit, it transformed back into sadness, from anger.

God I’m so alone and I hate it.

I just want someone to genuinly love and care about me, because it’s really hard doing this all by myself, and I really can’t take care of myself anymore. I need support. I need help. I need love.

I need love.

I need a hug.

I need someone to sing me to sleep.

I need to die.

God I hate myself.

Posted 10 hours ago

Four days of feeling like a crazy person.

First off, I hit the snooze button 4 times this morning. Already bad start.

Then school was actually pretty okay, except for any time anyone spoke i wanted to hit them. I really hope I wasn’t as arrogant and cocky and ridiculous as the freshman are this year. Honestly, no, you can not miss 50% of a song and tell me you played perfectly. Wow. This freaking kid. I told him part of being a musician is humble, and pointed out that all of our lead players NEVER gloat. How’d he respond? (Perfect people don’t need to be humble). BUT HE WAS SERIOUS OMG SHBGAKSBALKS FUCKING STUPID PEOPLE THAT I CAN’T HANDLE.

Then our little potluck after school in small ensembles. I ate too much, thanks to Diane for keeping me from eating more though. But we went around and shared how/why we got into music and it was so sentimental and cute.

THEN I PERFORMED 3 TIMES OH MY GOSH. I played some form of instrument from 6:30-10:00 SERIOUSLY WHY. ugh.

I had a weird experience on stage for chamber strings. I legit forgot how to play violin. Like, I couldn’t read the music or move my fingers correctly. DERP SLEEP DEPRIVATION.

Then I got in the car and guess who decides to start bitching at me lol my dad always telling me how stupid I am. I told him I didn’t want to wake up at 9 to help my sister with theory because she should have asked me ANY OTHER TIME THIS WEEK. And I told him I fucking needed sleep and he told me that I’m going to “ruin my sleeping schedule.” So he basically told me I should continue to get 3 hours of sleep because sleep deprivation IS MY SCHEDULE THANKS DAD.

I’m so tired. And my throat is sore. And I need a massage. And my head hurts. And I’m angry. And I’m incredibly sad. And I have to buy a dress tomorrow and I’m pretty sure that I will cry in the stores because nothing is going to fucking fit me because I’m a huge freaking whale and I always cry when I go shopping. CAN’T FIT INTO ANYTHING. Fat bitch.

I’m going to just slink into bed now… I hope i’ll sleep tonight…

Posted 10 hours ago